Monthly Archives: November 2006

blank entry

Im not happy and I am not sad.


I am blank.

I have this friend who went to singapore for a vacation, while there she applied to different companies and got hired right up. I want to follow her and probably do that too but I dont know if I’ll be happy doing that.

I’d give anything and everything for an emotion. Its christmas season and I should feel something. Excitement. Harrassment. But I dont.

I am doomed for blankness.


Theres this girl in the place where i work. she is pretty and a bit loud but when pretty girls are loud its okay. when its the not so pretty girls… who is loud… is akward and ugly even.

Anyways.. so there this sorta new pretty girl in here at the office. who is loud.

Since she is a friend of a friend here at work. On her first day.. i tried making a conversation with her in the toilet when she went there and i was there scrutinizing my braces and its developments.

I said HI! in a perky wuper friendly way and i told her that i know this guy who works in her last company and that tiny [her friend whos also my firend] is the nicest thing on earth.

and shes like… non chalant. almost stoic..almost dead.

Like im not there..talking 70000 miles per second.

But when shes with the other people here at work..she si uber nice. like an angel.

And i was thinking: WHA TTHE HELL????!!!!!!!

So after a month.

She is still nice.

And i dont talk to her anymore.

And the boys, they like her so much cuz duh? shes pretty.

But what they didnt know is she already told the HR that they are harrasing her in YM.

So now the HR banned su fr using YM. YM is saving me big bucks. Instead of texting friends from other places… i YM them.

Now we dont have YM!

But its partly her fault. The boys thinks that its okay to tell her green jokes cuz shes loud. she emits cuss words in her every sentence.. and in her YM her picture is too revealing for comfort.

She is PROLLY thinking you are not what you are wearing.

but you are what your wearing!

this is the philippines!!!!

..neweys.. i just prolly envy her or something…

its not nice to be ugly.


juvenile thoughts.

My head is hurting.
From too much anesthisia.
That the doctor injected me.
So that I wont feel any pain.

And it doesnt seem to work.
Because my head is hurting.
from too much anesthisia.
That the doctor injected me.

I didnt know what word to use.
To describe my own emotion.
Probably because I dont know.
What I am feeling.

The books are dusty.
The pens are dry.
The brushes are old.
The canvasses are empty.

The clouds are gray.
The rains are heavy.
The sun is harsh.
The moon is gloomy.

The nights are short.
The days are long.
The months are ending.
The years are over.

The girl is dead.

mothers are angels

my mother is a hardworker… we have this small store and … she buys stuff for us to sell and she would just walk to save money and my father would tend to the store. a lot of times for some reason that i cant understand.. my father would just stay inside the house and my mother would tend to the store after like doing all the other stuff…

and add to that is that she would clean the house, do the laundry… of my uncles and other relatives…

i dont want her too but she would hide all these things to me… and im working so i cant stop her from doing all this works…

she also looks older … she is not vain and i gave her money to get a haircut and she said.. its a waste when she can always put her hair in a bun and thats it.

i also told her to visit an eye doctor because she has a very very very very poor eyesight. she doesnt want to go cuz she said its a waste… but i kjnow that she is also scared of what shell find out in her visit.

plus yes we really owe a lot of poeple a lot of money.

because of her poor eyesight she would always tripped while walking and when im still jobless… i would usally accompany her but im working and i cant always be stay by her side .. and this aftrenoon she fell…

and i am mad at myself…because… because my father is depress because of loosing all the things that he worked hard for…a and my mother is working too hard for her age…

and i cant do anything about it.

… if only i can can i would buy my fahter a new car that he can drive ..make transform into a taxi and so what he really wants too.. be a driver…

… and pay all our debt and tell my mother to hush… and take a break and tend to her plants which by the way are dying…

… but i dont and…

and… all i can do is worry …

..damn it….. i wish i can give them all theyre hearts desires… but i cant cuz i can only do so much… or i want to do so much but… but my resources are really really really limited…

and im scared that the family would crubmle down..



i hate myself…


for being useless…

and alone…

and weak.

and a cry baby…

can someone close to god please pray for my family… im tired of praying…. i think that god doesnt listen to ugly girls like me…

or i think god needs a hearing aid or something because he cant hear me….

pls tell him to help my parents.


im tired.