Monthly Archives: February 2013

IM HERE BUT IM REALLY GONE

the first time that i tried breastfeeding… it hurts like hell… this is even when my doctor is giving me soem painkillers cuz I am healing fro giving birth.  I just cant really bear the pain that I am feeling when y baby latch.  While tears flow I looked at him and reminded myself that I a giving him what is best.

Then I saw blood.

The nurse in the nursery when he is staying for a bit (he is a bit yellow so he needs to be wared up in the hospital) said its just my nipples probably getting cuts. They said its normal.  Just give him the other nipple.

The other nipple had other nipple.  Confusing? My right nipple has some flesh dangling from it so I dont know if I can use it for feeding.

When i brought my baby home … I am giving him milk from the bottle.. not what I had planned but I have to feed hi.. once in a while I try to use the left breast ….

Eventually I got the hang of it and nipples went numbed from the pain… breastfeeding is really breeze… baby hungry… plonked the breast out and hes okay.  I raised him with my just my left breast….

we were having problems with his health and my baby is undergoing a lot of test that I know hurts… and the only way that I know that can comfort him is breastfeeding… after xrays .. and painful checkups and vaccines… breastfeeding is the only thing that made him stop crying.

Once I have to go and I think he got hungry and from afar when he saw me or smelled me and felt me.. he cried and i didnt know that my baby knows me.. and its only my milk that made hi stopped.

they told me that hes got hisrcsprung and he needs surgery and he needs to go far and… and i have to let him go to the UK and.. it pained me .. cuz I thought that my baby is going to be hungry.

he went to use canned milk

he forgotten about me I know it when I followed him here.  There was a … a who is this lady look in his eye.  It is painful…. to be forgotten by your baby.  he was .. more excited to see his grandma who took care of him when im gone…

i cried but it is the breastfeeding that made him remember me.

everytime he is sick… I feel okay cuz i know that my milk will help him heal… when he turned 1 he is still dependent in my milk more than the solid food…. the breastfeeding time is our chance to… to be together in a busy day.  A stop for the both of us… a time to bond and …. be other and son…

I dont know when i'll stop but when I read a book titled SLAP… there is this mother that still breastfeeds a little boy.. and the people around her felt disgusted… I.. I … decided to wean him.. he is 2.  I dont even remember the details of how I weaned hi.. I just knew that our time together went less and less.

I have to do things…. like chores…. excuses to make him not … breastfeed.

I stopped.  It was a success.  I weaned him … right age too.. 2 years old.

I think.

Yesterday… after drying the dishes from last night and finishing washing the new ones… i went inside the living room where is is supposedly playing, sitting, watching the TV.  I panicked when I cant find him… I called his name and there he is in one corner … sitting… watching the tv.. his company for when I am doing chores takes my whole waking time….

my heart bled…..

my son is just 2 and half and he feels so far … far away already…  i held him… he sat on my lap and we watch the show together.

then his eyes started to be droopy…. meaning he feels sleepy.  I carried him noticing how bigger he is and how it is harder for e to carry him now.

he put his hands inside my blouse and he just rested his hands on my breast.

I dont know what it means as he never did this before…. when i weaned him… his connection with my breast stopped.  And i was thinking just thinking .. maybe my son misses me…

we spend our days together just us… him and me.. day in and out… my husband is there but he is doing 2 jobs and seminars lately making my husband playing time with my son less lately.  Just me and him…. and yet… days and days and days… I am .. doing things .. I am always doing chores or worrying about what to feed him and sweeping the floor full of jis crumbs or tidying up toys….

I realize that… that I am so busy with things that I.. I am spending less and less time with my son…  and he is just few meters away from me…

I am doing a passive parenting… i am always doing something else that I .. I am forgetting to have a real quality time with my toddler.  I am always saying to my husband that I .. I feel that our son is lonely.  because he is alone… only child… no relatives to play with …

and I only realize now that y son is lonely .. longing for me.

….

this really really made me sad… he is on my lap now…. sleeping.  no longer touching my breast but would wake up when i put him down,,,

I realize that I miss him too….

I have to confess that I am thinking of gazzilion things… I am with my son.. here at home but my head… my mind is .. thinking …. missing home….Manila.  And I feel so bad for this…. I have to be here with him.. body and MIND.

I have to be with him here .. now…. before its too late.

I feel so heartbroken because i thought that its being alone that is making him lonely… it is me who is making him lonely…

motherhood is something that I am .. that I dont know well…. hopefully … after figuring this out.. i can do something about it…

Sebastian if you are big now and reading this >>> IM SORRY.  I LOVE YOU.  I WILL TRY MY BEST to be a decent mother because I know that I can never be the best ….. but no matter what happens… I LOVE YOU .. you are my baby.

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