I think I already said a lot of times that people around me in Manila made sure I know the truth. I am ugly and fat. I would get teased by relatives calling me dark and flat nosed girl. But the most memorable name calling is from someone in college. A classmate friend went to meet a friend who likes her and I went with her. That guy pushed me literally and whispered to me it would have been better if I am not there, Ugly. He said mad of my presence while my friend is paying for items she purchased (we met him in a Hello Kitty Store). I guess he's got the right to say it being a member of a band and being exposed to girls (groupies) that are pretty and he knows what he is saying. Yes I know I am ugly.
My friend doesn't know this of course. Never told anyone.
No one knew (until now).
Since then I distanced myself to them. Making excuses on not going on trips where I will be the 3rd of 5th wheel. My girlfriend thought that I am just this girl who always cancel the last minute. Scared of being told of again and feeling ugly and I don't want to really be with people. If its up to me ill hide my face and my fat bum in a cave and never go out again.
I changed of course. Only when I lost some weight that I came back into being sociable with people. I not only went out again but I also am not scared of my picture being taken.
My confidence went okay when I lost weight and when I can wear those skinny jeans.
I am gauging my self worth on how much I weigh.
Now I am …
feeling fat again. And I am hidiing myself at home again. Wearing baggy clothes, puffy coats. Anything to hide my bulging thighs. And I am not looking at people's eyes. I dont want to see the disgust in their faces. The same disgust that I saw from that guy who pushed me. And I need to get our of this rut. I gained weight because I have been eating non-stop from depression. I am feeling sad because so many things in my life at the moment that i can't control and I am .. i hate it.
Hopefully this is just a phase. I am doing everything in my power not to feel unpretty again. I am at night looking at my son's face & am amaze on how he looks good in spite of the fact that I am his mother. And also try to hold on to the fact that no matter what i look my son loves me, kisses my face and sleeps with his cheek on mine. No matter how I look or feel, I am my son's Mum and he will not stop loving me even if I am not fitting my pants.
I will try to hold on to that and maybe tomorrow I will not feel unpretty anymore.