Despicable Me

I think my son (and his Dad) sees me as the villain of his/their life. I mean I am always the one who kills the joy. Like this last Saturday where he is chasing his Dad inside the store and I stopped him from running after his father. KJ (killjoy) I know. Or I when last Monday his Dad brought home a DVD of the How To Train Your Dragon and I have to remind them (every so often) to go up and sleep already as his got school the next day. Or I am always telling him to eat his food, dont run on the sidewalk, change your school clothes before you play your lego and so on and so forth.

What he is not seeing is that that day when he was running inside the store. He almost hit his face on the corner of a display table. If I hadnt stop him the corner would have hit his face and there will be blood. I just grabbed him the right time. THE RIGHT TIME I am telling you otherwise he is going to get hurt. I am so mad and so scared at that time that I told him off after we got out of the store. He doesnt see how much I am scared of him getting hurt. What he saw is me stopping him from having fun from running and me telling him off. Oh Sebastian you almost hit that corner. If you can only see and hear how much my heart almost burst of fear. If you can only.

I am sorry if I have told you off or that if my voice is a bit loud that minute. My heart is still recovering from the fear of your getting hurt and I just dont know how I can forgive myself if you hit that corner.

You will see me as the villain here but theres never a moment when I dont want you to have fun. If I can only give you all your heart desires to play and to run I will. But there are proper places to do these things, proper time.

That incident never left my mind. Am I harsh for telling him off? I should probably waited till I am more relax before talking to him. So many should've in my brain. Last January I ask my husband if I can go home as nothing good is happening to me here. He will let me go home but I can never bring my son. So I stayed. I can never leave my son of course. He is my life and joy. Now I am thinking if my son will be better off without me. Because I am the villain of his life.

But thinking about me being far from him is just heartbreaking. So here I stay with my son as a villain in his life.

Villain is my word of the week.

xx

And then the fun began...
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