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Still

It was a tumultuous month for me and I am so glad that August is ending. The whole month, my head is just buzzing. Outside I am as peaceful as I can be inside so many things is going on in my head.  Like there is a war inside me and of course I am the only one who can fight or not fight it.

I did fight it. In so many ways I still am but I am so happy to say that I am more peaceful now and dare I say even calm inside. I am so tired though as my body had been through a lot. My brain had been through a lot. I am not worrying as much and the sadness now is more bearable. I am so proud that though I didn't go unscathed in this fight, I (would like to think that I) won. And I will win always because I have a weapon that will always pull me through this, my son.

And now my body and mind needs a rest and that is what I am doing. Standing still. Thank you to the people who reached out. Thank you. Thank you very much.

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Gestational Diabetes

GD.

For the longest time in my pregnancy I was fighting this diabetes. Eating healthy is the way to go and exercising while pregnant is how I manage to keep my sugar level at bay. Every after meal I religiously test myself. Sometimes when I eat something sweet I would really really really feel guilty and would just drink water to try to make the sugar level balance.

It got to a point that even if I am not eating something with sugar that my level is still high that my OB resorted me taking, injecting insulin. No matter how thin and small that needle is its still hurt to have to inject myself every night.

Somehow I am so relieved that i gave birth a month early. This will save my son from being affected by the diabetes.

The effect of this GD is not limited to me. Because I have this my son has a chance of getting diabetes. The good part is that we can already make him eat healthy this early to prevent this from affecting him.

My one way of preventing him from having sugar is me breastfeeding him. Which is what I did till I can. I have been breastfeeding him till he is 2.

We have a no-sweets/chocolate rule in the house too. None of us drinks cola or squash. All water and milk.Eventually I gave in to juice because I found out that my son poo better when he drinks this. But I dilute it with water.

Somewhere between him being 2 and how he is going to be 4 I let it go. He is now eating crisp, chocolates and a lot of sweets. And the cavity in his teeth is the proof of this. The cavity will be sorted out tomorrow as we have a dentist schedule. Hopefully the dentist will be keen on checking him as the last one gave up when my son wont open his mouth. No effort to lure him to open his mouth at all. He just gave up. I would of course request a new dentist.

And I have to go back into being a strict mother when it comes to food. My husband being a grazer is not helping with this. He eat snacks like cray in between meals and my son (& me) is starting to be one too. There is just to much junk in our pantry. I am not blaming him for this of course. I am taking full responsibility. When my son turned 3 he became a fuzzy eater. He would not eat at all and this kills me as a mother of course. Where is he getting the sustenance so I would give him sweets and crisp to give his body wee bit nutrients. Not healthy but food nonetheless.

This fuzzy eating also made me spoon feed him. Till now that he is nearing 4. One of the skeleton in my mothering closet.

This is not all about him too. I have gained 5K since I stopped breastfeeding him. Pants that I can use before is donated to the charity shops and I am now wearing buggy jeans just so I can hide my massive legs that broke every old jeans that I have. I of course can really diet if I want too. I remember testing this product and I lost some weight. But it is pricey so I cant maintain such diet. After testing the product I went back to my old weight. Probably heavier.

My choice of poison are those M&Ms and oreos that are usually on sale at supermarket. But what really kills me is Nutella. I can eat those big jars in one sitting. If can build something out of the jars of Nutella that I consumed I can probably already build a mansion.

Its like I have an amnesia! That I forgotten about my Gestational Diabetes! What ever happened to my brain?????? But I am depressed too and I am missing home and I am alone in mothering.

I will try to forgive myself for that. What can I ever do but to forgive myself. Because how can I start with what I want to do if I will stay blaming myself.

Why did I remember? I read this blog.

Then it hit me that I have this and I should be doing something about it! So starting today I am cleaning up my act. I am starting with me and then I would need to be an example to my son so that he would follow and eat healhty too. I would of course ask my husband to eat healthy as well. I would probbaly get him to snack on fruits and veggies instead.

This is so hard. Just 2 hours ago while we were out I saw so many sweet stuff on sale at the high street. So cheap!

But I am happy to say that I was able to not buy & eat them. I also am clean today from any sweets and we ate eggs and I just ate white.

I am going to take this by the day. Day starting now.

xx

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