Tag Archives: mmwbh

Neck Tie Personalities

Its too late for me to notice that my son loves his school neck tie. I didnt took photos before. Only now when I saw the pattern. He does love wearing them especially when he is playing role plays.

Here he is tending his store

… teaching me phonics

and showing me their lunch and going home prayers

I really wished that I was able to capture all his neck tie moments.  I promise you there are more in the past that I missed. But I am sure there will be more in the future.

My son is like this (and maybe all the kids in the world), expressing how he sees the world through his own little fun way. I cant wait to see more of this. I want to see how he sees things that adults do. How he expresses them. How it will mold him into what he wants to be when he grows up.

I am so excited of the future.

And to see him grow and see what role he is going to pick and what he is going to be

Super Busy Mum

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Thoughts on Motherhood

Everytime I look at myself I always seemed to be trying to recover from things that are hurting me.
For the longest time, while trying to heal from some incident the next one would come wounding me deeper.
Needless to say that I am tired. A wounded soldier.

I can think that I am weak. But looking back on things when my mind would want to give up and just go I dont know bonkers, I would pull myself together. Trying hard to not go there. Trying hard to stay sane. Trying hard to cope.

I am not weak, I just realized that now.

I am so many things but not weak. Because I am still here fighting.

There's just really so much to sort in addition to being a mother.

I kept on saying this helps, that helps, that might help but the only things that is pulling me up from going under is actually probably being a mother.

Amazing how my child is innocently feeding me with determination to fight.

When darkness is embracing me and its easier to embrace back I would hear my son's voice, his laugh, his singing. His voice is enough for me snap out of it and go back.

Which makes me think of my own mother. Who was in a same situation before. A hard relationship with an alcoholic man. Do we (me and my sister) keep her fighting? Keeps her sane when things are so hard.

Do our smile take her back to life when things are almost dead?

Motherhood.

Being a parent is such an overwhelming responsibility.

But it can also be a saving grace.

I am just glad that during the dark days and cold nights I have my son. I am so glad that he is loud, always laughing and expressive because his noise pushes away the demons in my head.

xx

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#PoCoLo

Big Bang Theory

I am transferring photos from the laptop to the memory disk when my son saw a photo of me and husband (above). He then asked where he is. I answered he is still not in my tummy. Then he asked where he is before he got to my tummy?

Errr…

How am I going to answer that?

A plan. You are still a plan! I answered.

Where do someone stay before mothers concieve them? Floating in the air? Inside me I suppose. Waiting for a partner in crime (Dad's sperm). Floating in my body trying to be ready for that moment where you can finally hi-five sperm and be something, someone. My son. Our son.

Sebastian, we are talking about you. If you are interested. We are worried that we are never going to have you as I am old. Also my OBGyne found some polyps in my fallopian tube. Your other half (sperm and lets call him S) will have to pass those and the Doctor said its a long and hard journey and S will be too tired and will die somewhere in there before he can go to E (my egg). So we are longing for you and we are scared that we might not have you. But we are certainly talking about you. Day dreaming. How we will have you and what we will call you. what you are going to be like.

But guess what? S defied science and got to E right up (those multi-vitamins helped a lot me thinks!)

And we have you! Yep you are those 2 lines!!!

We kept you as a secret for awhile even if in our hearts we are jumping for joy and Mom&Dad really wanted to shout and tell everyone that we have you. Even though you are special for being a kick ass the polyps baby we are scared that we are going to jinx it if we will tell people right up and something bad will happen to you and we will lose you. WE DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU. We told few people, your Lola (grandmother), Tita (Aunt Bagel) and Lolo (grandfather) on my side. On your Dad's side, he told his twin brother your Uncle Simon. They kept you a secret from your Nain for awhile as they said its too much of a news. Him getiing married and him being a Dad in the same month.

There. I think before you were you Sebastian. Half of you is me and the other half of you is your Dad's. But when I gave birth to you. You are no longer us but a separate person. You have the freedom to be what you want to be. You have the freedom to be as different or as the same as us. But no matter what we are happy that we have you now and we dont know how life is without you on our side.

xx

And then the fun began...
Super Busy Mum

Daydreaming Of Home

One of the happiest moment of my life as a mother happened a week ago. My son is pooing in his potty while watching Cbeebies' 'Andy's Wild Adventure'. He point out their flying golf cart thingy and he said

'Mommy we can use that to go to the Philippines!'

I run to him and hugged him really really tight.

Every night we would pray for this together before we go to bed. Throw some coins on the fountain and light a candle in our church. His prayer or wish or request would be toys and mine would be to go home to see my parents and my sister.

Eventually he is praying for this and the dream to back home to the Philippines has been a shared prayer of ours.

My dream destination is The Philippines. I am from there and my son was born there. We went here in the UK last 2010 and we never had a chance to go back. So many years had passed and there's never a day that I am not dreaming on going back. Sometimes just to escape from homesickness I would close my eyes and create a movie in my head of me walking from the gate of our house to my room, to my bed. Not the prettiest bed (actually made of wood so its hard at the back) but the comfiest that my body knows of. In that daydream, I would see our dogs and my mother doing her washing. The colorful bougainvillea plants and my turtles! Dogs again and cats. My CDs and my Crow poster. And then my room.

In the kicthen, my fave dish is cooking. On the table I sit and the cats would go to my legs.

Outside I can hear children playing. Lots of them running and shouting.

And then I would wake up from my daydream. I never thought that its possible to miss people this much but I miss my family very much.

After our night prayers I would look at my son's face and imagine how my mother would feel seeing this same face. I can see her crying with happiness. I know that she will touch my son's face because she's got poor eyesight and her hands help her to see things better by feeling them. I would touch my son's face too to see what she would see. Innocence of a child sleeping. Happiness of a grandmother touching her grandchild. And I would think if my mother could feel my longing to her at those nights.

I would imagine how my father would feel walking with my son during our school run. My father is the only male in the family and I know how much he yearns for a son. I was so lucky to be able to give him a grandchild, a grandson and was sad that he was taken away from him as we need to go here for medical reasons. I can already see them pointing at the traffic signs that my son loves. I know my father will be happy to tell him every signs as he knows them by heart as he is a driver by profession. He must be very very proud of my son's fascination of traffic signs. On many days I think that my son loves traffic signs this much because he carries my father's blood. He is his grandson.

My sister would visit us every night while we are there in Manila. I think that given a chance she continue to do this. I know how much she loves him. She is the first one who saw my son after I gave birth. I was drugged so I cant remember that they gave him to me for a hug and a kiss. My sister, she is there with me in the hospital from 8am till I gave brith at 11pm and I woke up with her there. And yes she is the first one who saw my son. An honor.

But this is all a dream. A fantasy movie that I run too when I miss my family too much. Moreso lately. Or I will go insane.

So Manila is my dream destination. Not only because it is a pretty place to get to know but there is a lot of people there that I want my son to see. His roots. From where parts of him is. From where all of him is loved.

Scenery wise, my son had seen so much of nature here in the UK. I also want him to see what a tropical country is like. The forever there sun and the endless beach. I want him to have a taste of coconut juce not from a carton but from a tree. I want him to eat the sweetest and yellowest magoes, my mother's noodles, the weird looking seafoods. Get to know what a milkfish is. See the hospital where he is born. See the church where he was baptized. See the pediatricians who gave him his first ouchy vaccines. See his godparents. Meet countless relatives from both my mother and father sides ( I have 18 uncles and aunts). A whole barangay who saw me grow up.

Just thinking of this. What might have been. Already feels so good in the heart. I can only imagine how much joy and happiness I will feel if this dream would come true.

Ladies and gentlemen of the UK, The Philippines

xx

This post is an entry for the #Flying100 Family Holiday Challenge, celebrating how flying allows us to make memories and ‘be there’, in association with #Flying100. Find out more at http://bit.ly/flying100

Super Busy Mum

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