Tag Archives: the truth about

Despicable Me

I think my son (and his Dad) sees me as the villain of his/their life. I mean I am always the one who kills the joy. Like this last Saturday where he is chasing his Dad inside the store and I stopped him from running after his father. KJ (killjoy) I know. Or I when last Monday his Dad brought home a DVD of the How To Train Your Dragon and I have to remind them (every so often) to go up and sleep already as his got school the next day. Or I am always telling him to eat his food, dont run on the sidewalk, change your school clothes before you play your lego and so on and so forth.

What he is not seeing is that that day when he was running inside the store. He almost hit his face on the corner of a display table. If I hadnt stop him the corner would have hit his face and there will be blood. I just grabbed him the right time. THE RIGHT TIME I am telling you otherwise he is going to get hurt. I am so mad and so scared at that time that I told him off after we got out of the store. He doesnt see how much I am scared of him getting hurt. What he saw is me stopping him from having fun from running and me telling him off. Oh Sebastian you almost hit that corner. If you can only see and hear how much my heart almost burst of fear. If you can only.

I am sorry if I have told you off or that if my voice is a bit loud that minute. My heart is still recovering from the fear of your getting hurt and I just dont know how I can forgive myself if you hit that corner.

You will see me as the villain here but theres never a moment when I dont want you to have fun. If I can only give you all your heart desires to play and to run I will. But there are proper places to do these things, proper time.

That incident never left my mind. Am I harsh for telling him off? I should probably waited till I am more relax before talking to him. So many should've in my brain. Last January I ask my husband if I can go home as nothing good is happening to me here. He will let me go home but I can never bring my son. So I stayed. I can never leave my son of course. He is my life and joy. Now I am thinking if my son will be better off without me. Because I am the villain of his life.

But thinking about me being far from him is just heartbreaking. So here I stay with my son as a villain in his life.

Villain is my word of the week.

xx

And then the fun began...

Christmas Wish

In my country if you are working you can get a mandatory payment in addition to your salary in December (or earlier) and its called 13th month pay. This will help with the Christmas spending. A lot of times I get would buy something major like a TV, or an expensive gadget or an appliance that I want but is too expensive for a normal month. I also have lots of godchildren that are expecting something little when they visit me.

In here we dont get anything. And well I am jobless.

Its been really hard for us lately and when cold months would arrive we have to scrimp some more and theres no more budget for Christmas.

And at times I am thinking if I ignore it, if I dont acknowledge it it wont bother me.

But its hard. When I read other blogs its there. When I do school run I can see flyers and posters even in my son's school. Christmas is coming.

And when we went to the mall to relax ( and not buy anything) its there. The massive Christmas decoration. The pretty lights, the bright balls, the red coffee paper cups and the festive air.

This is my son's 4th Christmas on earth. Since his 1st Christmas I have nothing for him. As I am jobless and I cant really ask for money from anyone when I know that money is scarce during these times hence I never had a chance to buy and give him any gift.

He saw this in the mall. You know that penguin in the ads. He loves it. We have to literally drag him out of there. Out of Monty.

I wish I can give him something. I wish I can give him Monty. Or a litle Lego toy. A magazine. I wish one day he will say

'Mommy I want a Monty can we buy one?'

instead of

'Mommy I want a Monty can we ask Nain to buy it for me?'

Because you know it hurts  that your son doesnt run to you when he wants something. I dont have anything against my in-law and I am so glad that she give my son what he wants and desires. Just sucks to be me.

xx

When we went out of the mall he seemed to have forgotten about Monty and just enjoyed looking and seeing the rides, the lights and happy people outside.

I wish theres a real Santa and I can ask Santa for a job or maybe just that Monty toy. And I will give it to my son.
My son had been good this year. He's doing a lots of things that is out of his comfort zone. Trying things that he is scared of. And being just a good boy. I want to acknowledge that and reward him with a token.

But there is no Santa. =(

xx

And then the fun began...
Super Busy Mum

Big Bang Theory

I am transferring photos from the laptop to the memory disk when my son saw a photo of me and husband (above). He then asked where he is. I answered he is still not in my tummy. Then he asked where he is before he got to my tummy?

Errr…

How am I going to answer that?

A plan. You are still a plan! I answered.

Where do someone stay before mothers concieve them? Floating in the air? Inside me I suppose. Waiting for a partner in crime (Dad's sperm). Floating in my body trying to be ready for that moment where you can finally hi-five sperm and be something, someone. My son. Our son.

Sebastian, we are talking about you. If you are interested. We are worried that we are never going to have you as I am old. Also my OBGyne found some polyps in my fallopian tube. Your other half (sperm and lets call him S) will have to pass those and the Doctor said its a long and hard journey and S will be too tired and will die somewhere in there before he can go to E (my egg). So we are longing for you and we are scared that we might not have you. But we are certainly talking about you. Day dreaming. How we will have you and what we will call you. what you are going to be like.

But guess what? S defied science and got to E right up (those multi-vitamins helped a lot me thinks!)

And we have you! Yep you are those 2 lines!!!

We kept you as a secret for awhile even if in our hearts we are jumping for joy and Mom&Dad really wanted to shout and tell everyone that we have you. Even though you are special for being a kick ass the polyps baby we are scared that we are going to jinx it if we will tell people right up and something bad will happen to you and we will lose you. WE DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU. We told few people, your Lola (grandmother), Tita (Aunt Bagel) and Lolo (grandfather) on my side. On your Dad's side, he told his twin brother your Uncle Simon. They kept you a secret from your Nain for awhile as they said its too much of a news. Him getiing married and him being a Dad in the same month.

There. I think before you were you Sebastian. Half of you is me and the other half of you is your Dad's. But when I gave birth to you. You are no longer us but a separate person. You have the freedom to be what you want to be. You have the freedom to be as different or as the same as us. But no matter what we are happy that we have you now and we dont know how life is without you on our side.

xx

And then the fun began...
Super Busy Mum